For the last few days, fear and guilt have been very present guests in my home.
They stopped me from sleeping deeply while I was imagining that I may have given the wrong food treat to our dog, forcing me to go out of bed and check if he was still breathing, waking him up on the same occasion which was doubling my guilt.
They stopped me in the middle of a beautiful mountain hike while I was imagining that I had let the gas on in our camper and blown away part of the camping, hurting many people in the accident!
Fear and guilt have been so present the last few days that when I sat on my yoga mat two days ago in front of the beautiful mountain surrounding us, I was really exhausted. I was wondering where the peace I felt during and after the yoga retreat I participated in a few weeks ago, was. I thought at that time that I had transformed this guilt and fear but now they were back. I felt lost. I looked at the mountain. It looked stunning! I felt the mountain infusing in me, its strength, determination, and patience. My back became a bit straighter. I felt the force within me coming back. I felt clarity arising. It was like the mountain was talking to me, waking up my determination to not crumble under fear and guilt. The mountain by its own wounded stony shape was reminding me that it may not all be about peace and harmony but determination and skillful patience.
Now I can see fear and guilt as guests, not as ‘me’. Now I have tools like breathing techniques that I can apply to slowly come back to here and now. Sometimes it’s frustrating because I have to do it many times a day noticing at the same time how many times I am carried away from here and now by Mr. Fear and Mrs. Guilt. This is where the strength and skilful patience of the mountain comes back to me as a totem.
How much time and dedication does a mountain need to become a mountain? Stable in its own centre and even there it is still being carved by winds, storms, water… I am inspired to become like a mountain, with determination and skilful patience on my side, I breathe, salute fear and guilt which are still there, and dare to speak up to my partner about their presence in me, because one thing I learned in the past is that shame only does one thing: it makes things that are not you glued so close to you that you got lost in them.
May this story inspire you to speak up and find in nature the totem that supports you in this exact moment. Remember that you are perfect as you are at this exact moment.